Gômon kifujin aka Rusted Body (Kazuo 'Gaira' Komizu, 1987)

This one is bizarre and nasty even by high Japanese standards of weirdness. 

Plot is the simplest one possible: gang of criminals kidnaps wealthy manager and tortures him in order to get the code of his bank account. They are led by this hot and busty lady and other members are her young lesbian lover (I think) with her granddad (ex soldier) and another dude. 

It’s all about sex and torture, so let me go through it quickly:

First one is quite standard fingernails and teeth pulling. It’s quickly over and I think it just serves to show how weird and hot our two female protagonists are. Because they perform this torture topless and prior to that we can enjoy watching them having sex.

Second one is again pretty standard but more old school. They put this naked chick into a barrel filled with eels so “they can penetrate every single hole”. Things start to get a bit strange here because this old guy (fully dressed in his uniform) starts pouring sake into the water. But we soon get the explanation: “You see, the eel are drunk from the sake. They are very lively. You'd better keep your anus tight, as tight as you can.”

Next one is the most bizarre and I’m not sure I’ve got it. Old bastard has invented some kind of bed that transmits sexual energy, so they have this poor guy tied to the chair and he must watch his wife being fucked while that energy is also transmitted into his brain. On top of that there’s our gang leader riding and interrogating him at the same time. All these effort and techniques seem to be successful because guy almost gives in and he reveals first four digits of the account before he comes back to his senses.

Last one is hilarious. Our horny lady gives a guy a blow job but then ties a knot around his dick when he’s erected so he cannot ejaculate. Then they both start fucking him so more he comes in more pain he is. And in the meantime Spanish inquisition continues:

• Confess.
• Never.
• Here he comes again. Terrific. I am learning a lot.
• Help.
• Confess, or it will decay.
• It hurts.
• You see how tight it is?
• It feels good.
• Which is more important? Your money or your dick?
• Money.
• Okay, keep your money. But you will live like a eunuch.
• Farewell to your weapon.
• Okay, okay... I lost. I will tell you. Stop, stop.
• Here comes the third time. Your scrotum will explode.
• 48216709. Ah... I'm dying.
• Ah, me too.

 Cool stuff – short and sleazy and (kind of) sexy and pretty nasty.

6/10

Shin Zatôichi monogatari: Kasama no chimatsuri aka Zatoichi’s Conspiracy (Kimiyoshi Yasuda, 1973)

It’s always nice to watch Zatoichi movie, it’s like running into an old friend and having a pint over pleasant conversation.

This is 25^th, one of the last and our favorite masseur is pretty tired and travels to his hometown for the first time in 20 years. Things have changed of course as well as his old friends. One in particular has turned into greedy asshole and has deceived villagers and has taken control over the local quarry. He has also cheated people over some rice tax but that part is not very clear to me. But it’s not really important because it’s clear who the bad guys are by that point.

Zatoichi is a surprisingly patient and gives this asshole even two chances to leave town peacefully. So we need to wait 50 minutes for the first limb to come off some unfortunate bastard who tried to cheat at gambling. And 15 minutes more after this mutilation there comes first real fight and massacre. But it’s well worth waiting for! Not only for the great action choreography and ridiculously high body count. We are used to these in Zatoichi flicks of course. 

What is well worth mentioning is strange camera work. It follows fighters really close and under strange angles and every now and then jumps into wide shot for a second or two so you really have a feeling that you are in the middle of the scene. Really good and effective, I’m surprised this technique is not used more nowadays.

7/10

Where the Sidewalk Ends (Otto Premminger, 1950)

It starts furiously! Right away - in the first five minutes - we are introduced to this wild detective Mark Dixon and shortly after we have a corpse. And then it gets just better and better with two brilliant twists of the story. So it isn’t surprising when pace eventually drops but it’s still disappointing because movie changes from this violent urban hard-boiled flick into (almost) sappy melodrama because Dixon starts to have these moral dilemmas and struggles. In my opinion he should just kick some more asses.

It looks and feels a lot like a low budget b-movie which is great and just adds to crudeness and gritty feel. But it also surprised me a bit because Preminger was already on directors A-list after his success with Laura made in 1944. Dana Andrews and especially Gene Tierney were quite known so maybe they spent all budget on the crew? Btw Karl Malden also has minor role but I don’t think they needed to pay him much since it was one of his first movies.

7/10 (but first 50 minutes are 10/10!)

Inglourious Basterds (Quentin Tarantino, 2009)

Complete waste of time. And lots of time I may add because this shit runs over 2 and half hours. It’s not that I dislike stupid silly movies but this is just childish. I just cannot find single good thing about it.

Reminded me somehow of the old Yugoslavian TV serials about brave partisans and resistance fighting evil Nazis I watched as a kid. Because each of those chapters in the movie is like an episode: you get single action scene and lots of talking/plotting to fill the remaining space. Of course those TV serials were not very good but still much better than this piece of crap. 

I used to think Quentin cannot get worse after Kill Bill (and was btw pleasantly surprised with Death Proof) but with this one he has hit total rock bottom. 

1/10

Kagemusha (Akira Kurosawa, 1980)

Far from my top Kurosawa movies but I was in the mood for some costume spectacle big budget action. And you never now – sometimes you see something new in a movie when watching it after some time. But it wasn’t the case with Kagemusha I’m afraid. 

It’s still too long and crammed with too many ideas, messages, and metaphors. Also narration is not the most elegant which sometimes leaves you a bit confused about what the hell is going on. 

My last resentment goes to the action sequences which should be better. Siege of the castle doesn’t even have a battle, crucial one towards the end takes place in the night and you have no idea who’s attacking who (everybody just keep screaming their asses off) and the last one isn’t really battle at all. It’s just some kind of Kurosawa’s take on "All Quiet on the Western Front" type of shit.

5/10

Cleopatra Jones (Jack Starrett, 1973)

Fun, but not very good. At least not from pure blaxploitation point of view. It’s not violent enough, there’s no swearing (!!!??!) and music is okay but far from other funky “Shaft” like classics. 

Tamara Dobson is cute and cool and has some style and does few kung-fu moves and has this fancy Corvette but she’s not nearly as dangerous as Pam Grier in Coffy or Foxy Brown. But she wears better or should I say most outrageous costumes! Opening scene is a killer – she is in the desert somewhere in the Middle East and she’s wearing fuckin’ fur coat!! Hilarious, poor girl must have been sweating like a pig!

Oh yeah, I mustn’t forget to mention Shelley Winters. She plays “Mommy”, lesbian leader of the hoods and she is once again adorable as she plays the role totally over the top. Final climax and “showdown” between the leading ladies at the car junkyard is classic and total highlight of this fun little flick.

5/10

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (Jonathan Levine, 2006)

Forgettable and boring slasher about a group of wealthy, young, good looking, horny (surprise) students who go to secluded house (surprise) where there’s no signal for mobile phones (surprise) and get chopped-off one by one.

True, there is slight twist towards the end but it doesn’t’ improve much poor impression of this flick. And besides all the characters are such ass holes that I was happy to see them go anyways.

3/10

New Kids Turbo (Steffen Haars, Flip Van der Kuil, 2010)

I was warned about this from a friend who watches nothing but crazy movies but it still caught me off guard. And it’s great, one of the nicest surprises of the recent times. Although right from the beginning you keep asking yourself “Why I’m watching this nonsense?!?” you just cannot stop it. Hell, I didn’t even pause to go piss.

It’s about some white thrash very 80s like guys who get fired due to economic crises and then decide to “not to pay for anything” since they don’t have no money. By doing so they become a threat (don’t ask!) to authority so government decide to bomb them and shitty town they are from (I told you already not to ask!) but at the end they manage to save the day. And get laid!

And to all you snobs that are looking for metaphors and deeper meanings in the shitty movies: no, I’m 100% sure this is not about condemnation of the capitalist system or consumer society or current economic crisis! It’s just a good fun and highly original if you ask me.

And there’s a second part out already. It’s of course definitely on my to-do list!!

8/10