Hit Man (George Armitage, 1972)

Blaxploitation remake of Get Carter. And not very good one to be honest.

Major problem is that it cannot decide whether to be hard-boiled crime or exploitation action flick. So for the first 75 minutes our hero wonders around LA but his investigation regarding his brother killing is pretty pathetic. He keeps asking/threating the same prostitute who used to be involved with his brother and he also keeps getting harassed by two (not very) tough guys urging him to get the hell out of the town. In the meantime he fucks two girls and runs into sleazy porn movie peddler. White of course.

Standard stuff. Some flashy dialogues and bad-ass one-liners plus few outraging hairdos and crazy clothes backed up by a funky soundtrack. Decent and watchable, but lacking big time in the action department. Laughable at times, especially fights are staged very amateurish.

It gets better in the last 20 minutes. After waiting for the first corpse for so long, body count starts to climb rapidly. We get cold blooded execution (x2), hanging, scarface style shoot-out and one unfortunate soul even gets torn apart by lions! But these scenes too are choreographed and executed pretty poorly and especially fake blood looks simply ridiculous.

Highlight and the saving grace of this flick is definitely Pam Grier! Although her role is pretty small and not very significant one, she's credited right after the leading hero Bernie Casey. Which I find unusual since Hit Man slightly precedes Coffy, Foxy Brown and all those other great movies that we love her for. I don't think she had been famous yet in '72 but director obviously realized who the real star of his movie was.

5/10

Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film (Jeff McQueen, 2006)

Documentary about the slasher movies that doesn't even bother to mention mighty Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Italian maestros ala Bava and Argento, infamous Video Nasties stuff etc etc

I don't think so.

Still it was fun to watch trailers and excerpts from some classical 80s flicks and see the usual talking heads ala Savini, Carpenter, Craven tell their anecdotes.

3/10

Sentô shôjo: Chi no tekkamen densetsu aka Mutant Girls Squad (Noboru Iguchi, Yoshihiro Nishimura, Tak Sakaguchi, 2010)

Well, it's another demented manga with high school chicks, non-stop CGI action, tons of gore and splatter and humans turning into machines mutants.

Since these movies are in the league of their own and basically just compete with each other by the amount of insanity, I'll give it (undeserving really) high grade just because it has - now prepare yourself! - a chick with a chainsaw sticking up her ass.

Oh man, these crazy Japanese fucks...

7/10

Miami Blues (George Armitage, 1990)

Loved the book but hated this flick. To be honest, I probably hated it because the book is such a masterpiece and I had simply expected too much. I guess what pissed me off was that director (or screenwriter) actually thought that he could improve the material by adding some scenes (like - for fucks sake! - a dinner they all have together) and had at the same time omitted some really cool ones. Just leave this stuff alone asshole, it's so much above you!!!

I was very surprised to see lots of raving reviews about  Alec Baldwin's performance on the various message boards. For my money, he's the one who puts the last nail into the coffin by his totally over the top portrayal of a "charming psychopath". On the other hand, Jennifer Jason Leigh is very good (as she always is) and especially Fred Ward manages to pull a good job. Maybe not too surprisingly since he's also credited as an executive producer so we can speculate that he was personally involved and had liked his character. At first I didn't like "his" Hoke much, but somehow he had stayed in the back of my mind. I was a bit surprised to have his image in my head when I was reading next Hoke novel. So I'm giving this movie an extra point on his behalf altough it's still an abomination of Charles Willeford's classic...

3/10

Sweet and Lowdown (Woody Allen, 1999)

To be frank, I can't stand Woody Allen. I don't like his frustrations about him being a Jew, having an ongoing problem with women, his mother's complex etc etc. I know that some artists keep re-inviting themsleves and returning to the same themes but in his case this shit is so ridiculous that it stopped being funny sometime before I was even born.

But for every rule there's an exception that confirms it! When I talk to my friends about Woody Allen, most of them (after endless pointless arguing and argumentation) eventually agree with me (probably just to keep me of their back) but still they usually ask me the same question: "But, surely, at least you do like Zelig or Everything you always wanted to know about sex, don't you?!" And my answer is always the same: "Fuck that, the only Woody Allen movie for me is Sweet and Lowdown!"

To put it in one word, it is simply FUNNY! And what's there not be liked about a depression era period documentary(?) about a drunken, obnoxious, overly-talented (but not as much as Django Reinhardt!!!) jazz guitarist (part time pimp) who takes his dates to a dumpster to shoot rats(!) and exploits his deaf girlfriend? Great jokes and one of the Sean Penn's best performances ever! 

9/10

The Queen of Versailles (2012, Lauren Greenfield)

I was really intrigued by this movie when it had came out and wasn't even sure if this was supposed to be a mockumentary or a "proper" documentary. But somehow I always managed to miss it. And they did play it here in Dublin for quite some time! So I was pleasantly surprised when it was shown on BBC just a few weeks after it had finished its theatrical run.

Story is well known and bizarre and it obviously speaks to the audience about human stupidity, shallowness, megalomania, trivial and materialistic view of life etc etc etc. But I liked it foremost from its documentary film-making aspect. Director doesn't really choose any sides and just keeps filming what's in front of her camera. And what comes out from it is that you don't feel absolutely nothing for these assholes. No pity, no anger, no contempt, no nothing.

7/10

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (Larry Charles, 2006)

I don't follow popular culture much but I did like Ali G a lot. Bruno's coverage of the nazi-skinhead gig, Vietnam Vet(erinarian) and Ali G's persuasion of cops to use dolphins instead of dogs to detect drugs (since everyone knows they are much smarter) are classics, in my book they are very close to be 21st century variations of Killing Joke or Ministry of silly walking.

But somehow I just wasn't interested enough to check out Borat/Bruno movies when they had came out some years ago. I suspected they would be either too mellow or overly offensive. You know - in the way big studios get cheap publicity by creating some sort of controversy (Scorsese/Gibson biblical crap etc...)

But still I was intrigued enough and couldn't resist when they were showing this on TV. And really liked it - funny, cool and offensive in an intelligent way. Probably shouldn't say this publicly, but antisemitic jokes are the best ones. Stuff with Borat and his manager throwing money at the cockroaches (=shape-shifted Jews) is simply hilarious and had left me speechless and with tears in my eyes. And if you're more into the good old dick jokes, you probably died laughing in a scene where Azamat jerks off on the picture of Borat's beloved Pamela.

Funny stuff, Mr. Cohen got it! I'm definitely checking out Bruno.

8/10

The Kids Are All Right (Lisa Cholodenko, 2010)

I rarely watch movies directed by women. There are some exceptions of course (Catherine Breillat) but generally I avoid them since most of them are too sentimental or trying to surpass their male colleagues in masculinity just to prove some point (Kathryn Bigelow). But I remembered reading few good reviews of this one when it had came out and decided to give it a try when they showed it on RTE.

Glad I did, it's not bad at all. I always like to see the fresh take on Teorema premise about a stranger coming into the seemingly perfectly ordered surrounding and then fucking things up big time. This one is not exactly Killer Joe but still very original, smart and well made. I preferred the first part which plays out as a comedy and serves for the plot thickening. Then it goes into melodrama family type mode, but it's still okay and focused. Maybe just loses itself a bit because it tries to cover too many individual stories at the same time. I think movie would be far better without that younger kid.

The best thing about it is of course that it doesn't try to preach. Gay marriages are simply just marriages and they are just as complicated as straight ones. And having around teenagers and good looking horny guys with mid-life crisis doesn't make them any easier either.

Second best thing is its casting. They are all good individually and click well together as a ensemble but watching Annette Bening and Julianne Moore was just a privilege and total joy. So fucking cool! They are simply amazing and they manage to have special kind of chemistry that also manifests in a fact they are not trying to steal a movie from each other. Hard to say if this is due to Lisa Cholodenko's direction or due to their professionalism. Anyways, once again - great job from the entire cast. Gives the movie "feel good" tone and I got the impression that they were really having a good time shooting it.

My only objection is the happy ending which could and should be more radical (or at least more realistic). Let us just remind ourselves of a quote from one of the Hal Hartley's early masterpieces Trust: "Family is like a loaded gun: Aim it in the wrong direction, somebody is going to get hurt."

8/10

The Keeper (Keoni Waxman, 2009)

Starts with a little stand-alone plot which just serves as an introduction of Seagal's character Roland. He's a SWAT member and not only that - "he's the inspiration of every guy who joined this elite team". A bit disappointing bad-ass induction statement (usually they get much more colorful) but we don't need to question his capabilities because there's a camera shot that scans his formidable collection of  awards and certifications. Usual stuff from martial arts to explosive handling...

It soon evolves into pretty formulaic "guy-wisiting-an-old-friend-in-troubles" type of shit. But it's done pretty well, this time story is totally straightforward and easy to follow. Which is welcomed because this was not always the case in his DTV career. Also location set in the Texas offers brighter tone to the movie comparing it to recent Eastern European bleak settings.

Action is more than decent although I would estimate it favors shootings over martial arts in a ratio of about 70% to 30%. Still there are some broken arms and Seagal is much more violent than usually. I did miss a final encounter between him and one of the main villains who's supposed to be a big time boxer. He's really an asshole (doing drugs, cheating and even selling-out his girlfriend) and I was looking forward to Steven kicking his boxing-ass with his martial arts techniques but for some reason it just doesn't happen. So I guess I need to correct myself a bit about this movie being too formulaic.

6/10

The Concorde... Airport '79 (David Lowell Rich, 1979)

One of the last airport disaster movies from the 70s. Probably also one of the silliest and thus quite enjoyable.

First thing to notice is that only one third of the movie actually takes place in the plane. It takes 35 minutes for that fucking Concorde to finally take off. Until then we are introduced to the few sub-plots about passengers and - more importantly - about a sinister plot to take this plan down in order to kill a investigating journalist carrying some incriminating documents.

But it is well worth waiting. Because what follows is acrobatic maneuvering of this giant plane (weighting almost 80 tonnes empty) in order to first avoid the high-tech guiding missile and then to avoid fighter jet that launches 5 more missiles. And this is where we see the best scene of the movie where pilot opens the window of the cockpit and fires a flare from a signal pistol so that its heat can confuse those rockets. At speed of 2 mach make no mistake! Shot pretty unimaginative using some very obvious plane model. Good old special effects, nostalgic and very funny. It has left me speechless and wanting more of such insanities.

There's another - almost equally absurd - situation later on when they manage to land this huge plane without any casualties in Austrian alps. Once again, great fun but not as much as those missiles.

Cast is not the usual "disaster movie" all star. Delon is its biggest name but he doesn't really have enough of screen time to be movie's main vehicle. He certainly doesn't seem to be even remotely interested in being one. Plus his buddy-buddy scenes with George Kennedy are quite hard to stomach, especially the usual family shit about his dead wife. There's a bit of chemistry between him and lovely Sylvia Kristel and to be honest, I think she does the best job in this flick.

6/10

Men at Lunch (Seán Ó Cualáin, 2012)

What a mess this movie turned out to be. Advertised as a documentary about this famous photo it made me a bit intrigued. Concept of making full length documentary about nearly 100 years old photography sounded original and promising. Lots of territory to cover by trying to track down portrayed workers, photographer, circumstances surrounding it, maybe some technical stuff etc. Lots of possibilities indeed, it can be made almost as a mystery/thriller kind of flick. I was pretty excited to check it out.

But then it turned out that movie gives roughly 10% of its time to this fucking photography and the rest of it is just some incoherent rambling and jumping from one pretty unrelated topic to another. We learn everything about history of New York, great depression, immigrants, construction workers, some personal stories etc etc etc. At one point it got really absurd. I needed to go piss and when returning to the cinema after few minutes there were scenes from 9/11 on the big screen. Come on, give me a break...

Just skip it, it's not worth the price of a ticket. And besides, you'll probably be able to see it on National Geographic in a few weeks time.

2/10

Stalag 17 (Billy Wilder, 1953)

Billy Wilder is one my celluloid gods, but Stalag 17 for some reason just doesn't work right for me. I see it every now and then and try to find something to make me like it more, but it still leaves me more or less cold. Don't get me wrong, it's okay but well below maestro's average. Certainly rest of his WW2 movies are much more interesting and easy to categorize. Five graves to Cairo is pure war movie and  Foreign Affair is a drama. Both masterpieces, both also having amazing casts!

And I think this is a root of my disappointment with Stalag. It tries and tries to find a balance between thriller and comedy and just keeps failing to do so. As far as a thriller part is concerned (finding a mole in the barrack) is too trivial and not suspenseful enough. Lighthearted portrayal of POW living also falls a bit flat and not too amusing. Especially that Animal character is annoying as hell and Preminger's character is shown almost as a clown. Holden is superb though. As he always was anyway.

6/10

Le Regine AKA Queens of Evil (Tonino Cervi, 1970)

Strange movie, not at all an Eurotrash I was expecting to see. It does have few beautiful chicks (my beloved Haydée Politoff among them), some nudity and a couple of fuck scenes but these are all just tools used for driving good and pretty coherent story.

We start with this free-spirited hippie wondering into the woods on his Suzuki where he ends up staying with three sisters living close to some mysterious castle. We suspect of course that they are not real siblings (if nothing else, see title) and also in a prior sub-plot it was hinted that the owner of a castle is a prince of, oh well - you know, the darkness. So our poor hippie falls for these witches and eventually sells them his free spirit (soul?) and even worse - he declares to them that he's "so happy he could die right away". Big fucking mistake of course, you don't need to second guess how they react to this statement, do you?

So, it's pretty fairytale-ish and cool thing about it is that overall atmosphere is totally in sync with this. Lots of shadows, weird shooting angles, night shots and some great background music (liked that church choir singing). Really creepy and sinister at times.

Needs to be said though that not much really happens in the first hour but it doesn't get boring. At that point I was afraid that movie will fall apart as things will start to unravel. So many of these bizarre European low budget horror movies follow this pattern and they just go crazy. Not this one, it's carefully and even elegantly conducted to its conclusion. Director seems to knew what he was doing and what he was trying to achieve. Hell, we even get some sort of moral preaching from the prince of darkness himself!

7/10

Conqueror (Dick Powell, 1956)

I've seen this craziness before but just couldn't flip the channel when it was played on TV. It's truly hilarious, you can tell almost everything about it just by checking out the poster.

Great candidate for the biggest role miscast in the history of silver screen. I can image how rigid studio system was in 50s, but still Duke - why?!??

Worth noting that Lee Van Cleef is also in it, not that it improves this extremely strange epic eastern western in any way.


4/10

Le Battant aka Ice (Alain Delon, Robin Davis, 1983)

Ah, these good old Delon's 80s crime flicks! Too complicated, too long, too violent, with lots of nudity...

This one is as typical as it can be. Jacques returns from the prison and wants to retrieve the jewels he robbed. In the process body count will raise to double digits number and he will fuck 3 chicks.

It has some cool moments. My favorite scene would be the first one when bad guys are introduced. They are in this bistro all dressed up and talking cool gangster sinister type of shit trying to intimidate the owner. But problem is - check this out! - that they share single pistol between them! Hilarious! So when the poor guy decides to run away, bad guy #1 gives this gun to guy #2 so he can shoot him. Alain, what where you thinking when writing this!?!?

Cast is excellent. Not surprisingly old school François Périer as a main bad guy is superb and there's even a small role for very young Richard Anconina. It is of course always nice to see our favorite Nikita Anne Parillaud who was at time in relationship with Delon. Although to be honest, Marie-Christine Descouard steals the movie from her, at least in feminine department.

Btw, almost 20 years later, in 2002, Anconina and Parillaud did another movie together. Masterpiece, absolute must-see police thriller Gangsters.

All in all cool nostalgic stuff, just don't expect to see Melville flick.

6/10

Hei xue AKA Will of Iron (David Chiang, 1991)

Immediately, during the opening credits, we learn that Maggie, Michael, Carol and Jacky used to be best friends. They were a 'gang', smoking pot together for the first time and Carol had married Jacky.

After this prologue, movie (actually her uncle) picks up Maggie at the airport. She came from Canada for a visit and is a bit disappointed that Michael wasn't there to meet her also. But no worries, he's on his way - he was just held at the office. He has a mobile phone too so we assume that he is a successful businessman.

Story then moves to the poor unfortunate Jacky. He is some kind of cartoon/comics artist and unfortunately hooked on cocaine. To make things even worse, Michael is not really a business man. He works for triads and also supplies coke to his friend.

In the next hour or so Jacky will fall into drugs trap even further, owing even more money and as a result become even greater asshole. Poor Carol will bitch about it and suffer and learned that she's pregnant. Bad guy drug pusher Sam will be introduced and Michael will have moral dilemmas about this whole setup. And Maggie of course will get pissed off and decide to take matters in her own capable hands.

And that's basically it. Sounds good but problem (at least for me) is that this is drama and not action movie. And not even very good drama. I'll rate it a bit more than it actually deserves because (1) at least is not too sentimental, (2) has pretty good drugs hallucination scene and (3) I was able to watch Maggie Cheung for 90 minutes.

5/10

Repulsion (Roman Polanski, 1965)

Masks. Cracks. Cracks in the walls, cracks in the floor. Clock ticking. Razor blade, rabbit. Neurosis. Distorted images. Extreme close-ups. Music, sound effects. Rabbit's head in the purse. Man. Tick-tack, tick-tack, tick-tack. Men. Paranoia. Walls again, hands coming out the walls. Rape. Imaginary rape. The city. Insanity. Walking, high heels clicking. Sister, family photo. Lack of music. Lack of sound effects. Catherine Deneuve. Click-clack, click-clack. Madness. Fear. Sex. Repression. Decay. Bells, children playing outside. Hallucinations. Murder. Final frame. Repulsion. Masterpiece.

11/10

Primal (Josh Reed, 2010)

Six anthropology students go to Australia's wilderness in order to find and study some long forgotten ancient wall  paintings. And to get laid of course. They won't get attacked by some crazed local hillbilly or crocks. Nope, in this flick they'll get possessed by demons, they will massacre each other and use corpses to feed themselves and foremost to awake some ancient evil creature.

Cool stuff and good mixture of the creature/sci-fi horror. Not too original and a bit predictable (that alien bastard did surprise me) but still very entertaining. It seems to be pretty low budgeted, but special effects are more than decent, especially daylight scenes are effective (rabbit dismembering). But movie doesn't really rely on gore anyways, it uses standard cinematographic tricks to build up tension.

Cast is good but their roles are a bit too stereotyped. We have good guy, introverted one, alpha male, blonde horny slut, silent student and so on. But still they click together well, much better anyways than usual bunch of beautiful young people from Hollywood horror flicks. And they do disappear in the right order, from most asshole-alike to sympathetic ones.

Short and sweet and demons fucking scene is total winner! Aussies did it again.

8/10