The Happening (M. Night Shyamalan, 2008)

This is laughable, simply and plain idiotic. Movies about nature turning against the mankind are usually pretty cool, especially because you don't really expect to see another Birds. But this one is ridiculous, it's kind of drama that wants to be horrifying but it just turns into moronic family-shit mess with "environmental" message. Of course. And yes, love also conquers everything.

Basically everything is horrible, most of all (entire!) cast and the music. Whenever it gets into soft mood, some idiotic sentimental scene follows. It's kind of pattern and it's good because you can prepare yourself to start laughing.

I give this crap rating of 2 although it hardly deserves even 1. But I'm adding additional point because at least director was smart enough to got rid of John Leguizamo in the first half. Really felt bad for the guy, he's even worse than Mark Wahlberg.

2/10

Fix (Doug Freel, 2011)

I was never a die hard Ministry fan although they were always around. Saw them live on few occasions over the years and they had disappointed every single time - always using so many samples and effects resulting gigs to feel phoney and band just using playback instead of actually playing their fucking instruments. So I didn't expect nothing special when I went to check them out few weeks ago and was pleasantly surprised because they were really good! Intense, loud and focused with crowd going crazy for the whole time of 2+ hours set ending with some oldies-goldies hits from Psalm 69 record.

Few days after the gig I came across this documentary posted on one of my favorite blogs and it was too big of coincidence to ignore it. Seemed I just had to see it. And besides that I've heard some positive opinions about it when it was shown at the best film festival in the world.

And it's not bad at all. Very watchable and I'm sure that fans would enjoy it a lot. There's lots of music and behind the scenes footage from the 92 tour accompanied with bunch of interviews. Doug Freel really made more than just a decent effort of portraying band on the road but after halfway through you realize that you are watching just another tour film of just another rock band. Especially once you get over the initial shock of seeing Jourgensen shooting up heroin in front of the camera...

Total winner and show stealer is David Yow and I'm giving this flick at least one extra point because of him! We all know he's really crazy - especially comparing to Jourgensen who's ¨just" a junkie - and here he is at his best. His anecdotes are simply hilarious (stuff with him and Gibby Haynes selling their asses), shots of Al shooting drugs are nothing compared to Yow going crazy on the stage (and stage diving) in total nude. Brilliant and funny as hell: Oh yeah - and Buzz is also cool, no surprise there of course.

8/10

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (Nathan Juran, 1958)

Probably the most ridiculed classical sci-fi after Ed Wood's Plan 9 but I simply love it.

Seems like the whole budget went for design of the poster which had since become a synonym for exploitation movies art. All they have left to work with were 3 sets: Ms Archer's "mansion", hotel bar and a desert. And since you can't do much with these they decided to blend sci-fi and film-noir and melodrama into this weird classics.

And yet another remarkable evidence how to make something out of nothing if you try hard enough and you are at least modestly talented and you don't give a shit about what other people think about you and you are lucky enough to find collaborators with a similar frame of mind.

9/10

The Crazies (Breck Eisner, 2010)

I'm into Crossed comics lately and decided to check out this one not expecting much to be honest. Or better say - expecting just another of Romero's rip-offs that even he himself has started doing anyways...

But it is surprisingly good. We are not in the near "when there's no room in hell the dead will walk the earth" future but in the present time. And instead of zombies we have crazies which are locals in a small town who became infected by some government fucked up chemical poison. They are called crazies for obvious reasons (although they are not as insane as crossed ones) but mayhem really starts when army arrives into this town and starts "cleansing" it. In the middle of all this is local sheriff (of course), his pregnant wife (at least there's no small kid) and his friend/deputy.

Sounds like a pretty much standard setup, but it manages to raise above average. Total winner is the scene with farmer impaling tied-up women in the hospital with pitchfork (also good poster btw). It's truly unsettling and horrifying to watch and I'm surprised movie got just a R15 rating. Another good scene is fight between two crazies and our hero in his house. Trick with killing someone with a knife drilled through the hand is not a new one but it's really effective here.

Story is also pretty cool and fast moving. It doesn't waste much time with introductions and family shit and so on. Bad things start happening pretty fast and after that our group is constantly on the run, getting (and loosing) some members along the way. For the first half of the flick it bothered me that they don't have some plan, but I soon realized that's the whole point of it.

Good mixture of horror, action and suspense with even some darkly comical elements thrown in. And one last spoiler - it does end up with a big bang! So I'm awarding it with an extra point that it probably doesn't really deserve.

8/10

Maldito - O Estranho Mundo de José Mojica Marins aka Coffin Joe: The Strange World of José Mojica Marins (André Barcinski, Ivan Finotti, 2001)

Great stuff and perfect film to conclude Coffin Joe phenomenal box set. Great mix of documentary footage (opening scene of acting class is so fucking awesome!), scenes from his movies and of course interviews full of bizarre anecdotes. 

Stuff with making his actresses drunk for "snakes" scenes is hilarious, doing porn in order to survive and do his personal films reminded me so much of Jean Rollin and of course now we finally know how Coffin Joe was born. Mojica took 20 amphetamines pills to keep him awake 4 days when shooting At Midnight I Will Take Your Soul. He had divided his crew into 2 units and shoot movie without sleeping. Since then he was never the same...

The only objection to this little jewel is that it is too short!? I could and certainly would watch it for hours.

9/10

Delírios de um Anormal aka Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind( José Mojica Marins, 1978)

Seems like Mojica has got some money after all with Hellish Flesh because in this one he’s coming after us in all of his glorious craziness. With totally unique feeling and almost experimental/avant-garde filming this is quite similar to Awakening of the Beast but even better. It really seems that he had found his touch and felt comfortable in front of camera as well as behind it. His lines of text are even crazier and more dramatically delivered as usually (if that’s possible) and movie is uniquely shot using some weird angles and creepy sound effects.

And the story? Fuck story, it's not really essential for a Coffin Joe movie. Again, we are watching bizarre collage of his older movies incorporated into new developments. It starts with his old obsession about having a supreme child with supreme woman. He finds one but unfortunately this all happens in deranged mind of some poor bastard Dr. Hamilton who is convinced that Zé do Caixão is trying to get his wife Tania. Unfortunately for doctor and fortunately for the audience that is, because we can watch first of the nightmares. Then it gets from being just slightly strange to really cool.

Because now art starts to imitate the life as José Mojica Marins as a film-maker himself is called by doctor’s colleagues in order to explain the poor guy that Zé is just a fictional character. This explaining of course leads to yet another nightmare but he somehow succeeds convincing him because doctor now seems to be cured. He’s even confident enough to invite Mojica to his home later in the evening to a dinner with his wife. Big fucking mistake, right!?

It’s simply brilliant stuff. It just left me wanting to see more because I didn’t recognize lots of the images from his older movies. 

8/10

Fracasso de Um Homem nas Duas Noites de Núpcias aka The Strange Hostel of Naked Pleasures (José Mojica Marins, 1975)

Cool title, but don't expect to see some European trashy sleaze, this is Coffin Joe's movie!

There is of course usual prologue with undecipherable philosophy theatrically delivered by our favorite looney followed by some strange rituals and only then, after nearly 10 minutes, we meet Coffin Joe. He is resurrected from the dead, at least I think so because he rises from the coffin.

He takes over a hotel in some remote village and starts accepting his guests who were all booked without knowing so. Or something, I didn't quite get that part. But it doesn't really matter, hotel is soon full of colorful characters and nothing really major is going on.

Until we realize that they are all ghosts because they all have died of violent deaths some time ago. Ending is cool and without giving it away too much let's just say that this is Mojica's take on Carnival of Souls. Kind of...

It's not bad and it's probably very good if you are into Mojica's strange aesthetic (btw music and sound effects are once again great!). I think it's major flaw is that it isn't neither horror nor mystery so everything becomes a bit boring. Although it's still totally unpredictable so in a way it is mystery because you have no idea wtf is going to happen next.

5/10

O Estranho Mundo de Zé do Caixão aka Strange World of Coffin Joe (José Mojica Marins, 1968)

Three stories omnibus.

First one is most comprehensible and easy to follow. It's about this old doll manufacturer master with four beautiful daughters who help him with his craft. Their recent order of four new dolls is almost completed when their house gets home invaded by four toughs. They beat the old guy and start raping the daughters. But don't worry, things work out themselves because master just needs eyes for his uncompleted dolls and daughters are not as innocent as they seem.

It's told in nice, old fashioned way and reminded me a bit of Corman's Edgar Alan Poe's movies except at the end we get Mojica's bloody and gory signature.

Second one is the least impressive one. It's about some tramp balloon seller who has a crush on some nice looking chick. He follows her around and when she gets killed, he sneaks into funeral home in order to have "his ways with her". It has funny twist because we learn that he has rather foot fetish desires and not really necrophiliac ones.

Silent and told in very expressionist style underlined with great hypnotic music, kind of experimental type. But after few minutes it just gets boring, at least to me.

Third one is (finally!) related directly to Coffin Joe. He plays himself and is challenged on a TV show by some doctor who defends some thesis about love or whatever. Joe returns compliment by inviting this asshole and his wife to his house for a dinner. And then he proves his thesis in his way..

It's pretty depraved but what saves it (once again!) are his hilarious "philosophical" rhetorical nonsenses delivered in highly dramatic voice in usual surreal settings. It's not frightening by any means but it surely is quite unsettling. And we all of course like Strange World of Coffin Joe just like that, right!?

7/10

Inferno Carnal aka Hellish Flesh (José Mojica Marins, 1977)

Surprisingly normal, almost classical horror in the tradition of Italian giaillos. Maybe it was kind of Orson Welles thing that he needed to do in order to get money for his more ‘personal’ craziness.  Sure, Mojica’s master touch is there (together with his ‘signature’ acid face mutilation with) but it’s really not that strong.

He’s a genius (not crazy at all!) scientist who gets betrayed by his wife and his best friend who have an affair. Their attempt to kill him fails but leaves him with a disfigured face. This all happens pretty quickly, some 15 minutes or so into the movie and I was naturally disappointed to see our favorite sicko go so soon. His wife stays with that asshole friend who mostly just fucks around and spends her money. Or should I say Mojica’s money because for some reason he keeps giving it to her. But do not be afraid, he of course has a sinister plan and it turns out he’s not completely out of the picture…

Not bad at all, but I want Mojica’s movies to be much more bizarre!

6/10

Finis Hominis aka The End of Man (José Mojica Marins, 1971)

Marins in this one introduces character that is totally opposite of his famous Zé do Caixão aka Coffin Joe. Because here he's messiah kind of guy wondering around performing miracles and fixes broken relationships etc. Sure, there's still his wonderfully philosophical blabbering but it's not as dark as we were used to.

Because I have a thing against hippies my favorite scene is one when he visits their commune of love and free spirit. He soon reveals how shallow they are by throwing money at them and they soon of course forget everything about their ideals and start greedily fighting each other for the money.

Style of movie is similar to European art movies of 70s, especially Marco Ferreri came to my mind.

Not bad, but not really my cup of tea. Definitely not what I was expecting to see .

4/10

O Ritual dos Sádicos aka Awakening of the Beast (José Mojica Marins, 1970)

When Fellini ran out of ideas he made 8 1/2 and when Russ ran out of money he made Mondo Topless. I have no knowledge about "behind the scenes" of this weirdness genesis but my guess would be that José Mojica ran out of ideas and money and got really fucking high and decided to make Awakening of the Beast.

So let's go briefly through this weirdness.

It basically has two parts. It starts as a regular exploitation druggie flick with series of episodes about how drugs are harmful. This is of course explained by some doctor in the studio and from time to time we can also see Mojica with his fingernails but he keeps low profile and just nods every now and then and makes an occasional comments.

Everything is pretty standard and - to be honest - boring stuff, but sometimes around the middle it rapidly shifts two gears of weirdness up.

At first Mojica completely takes the stage. For no apparent reason (at least not to me) we are suddenly watching mini documentary about him and his notoriety and  (non)acceptance into mainstream movie industry etc. So far so good, at least this thing is moving somewhere, even if it is in weird direction. But it is intentional because - believe it or not - these two sub-plots finally come together.

Because what happens next is that this doctor selects four junkies, gets them high and somehow put them into Coffin Joe's nightmare. Which I think was the ultimate goal of this movie. This nightmare starts pretty cool, we switch from b/w into color and nightmarish scenes are pretty cool and reminiscent of  hell in This Night I will Posses Your Corpse. But it just drags on and on for 15+ minutes and at the it seems that everything was staged just so Mojica can have has usual chauvinistic monologues. Which is kind of confirmed at his "closing speech".

And that's basically it, at least the way I saw it. Believe me, it sounds better than it actually is. And I really wanted to like and find some sort of Mojica's aesthetic and/or personal touch in it. I guess some critic would easily call this Bunuel like surrealistic masterpiece, but I was just bored for the most of the time.

 3/10

Esta Noite Encarnarei no Teu Cadáver aka This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse (José Mojica Marins, 1967)

Sequel to the At Midnight I Will Take Your Soul. It continues right where we left Coffin Joe because it turns out he's not dead. He just passed out during his final hallucination and is well and of course still mean fucker ready to continue his quest to find worthy mother for his supreme son who will keep his bloodline alive.

This one is very similar to the prequel regarding style but more ambitious as it runs for half an hour longer. Story is more complex and also Ze's character is more developed. He's still mean misogynistic sadistic fucker full of contempt, but now he's  also more manipulative and has hunchbacked assistant called Bruno.

Two outstanding scenes without doubt are releasing bunch of snakes on the group of imprisoned women (and he watches this very graphic slaughter while fucking another one) and  especially nightmarish portrayal of hell. Shot in color, I think even Jodorowsky would be proud of.

Not as good as its prequel but still mastepriece!

8/10

À Meia-Noite Levarei Sua Alma aka At Midnight I Will Take Your Soul (José Mojica Marins, 1964)

We meet Coffin Joe for the first time! He is spooky fuck, obsessed with continuation of his bloodline. But his wife cannot bear him a son so he kills her and then rapes local girl Terezinha who as a result hangs herself. But before that he also kills her fiancee and mutilates a bit local guy during card game. And after that he mutilates another of locals with barbed crown of Jesus statue! Brilliant and hilarious scene, definitely my favorite one!

So lots of shit is going on and it's all really good. But special quality of this exploitation flick is grim atmosphere and of course Coffin Joe himself! He is really unique in all his contempt towards everything and everybody. He plays the role in ultra over the top theatrical way which for some reason works extremely well. Sure, he gets a bit comical here and there but overall he's spectacular. Truly menacing sadistic bastard!

Totally ahead of its time and still unique.

9/10

TAD - Busted Circuits And Ringing Ears (Adam Pease, Ryan Short, 2008)

Had no idea this even existed until it was posted on one of my favorite music blogs shiny grey monotone and didn't hesitate one second to check it out. How could I not with the uber cool title like that!?!?

Must admit I was never die hard fan of TAD. Was addicted to Salt Lick EP (I'd probably wore down that tape on my car radio) and 8 Way Santa (I'm a Jinx yeaaaah!!!!!!!!!! Good ole' days!) but somehow didn't exactly follow the band or travel abroad to see them live. Mudhoney were (and still are) my favorite poison from Seattle.

So it was really fun to watch a documentary about the band I used to be kind of a fan but didn't really know much about it. To remind you all - these were internet-less times! And it was cool but also sad to hear the same old story about talented guys getting fucked by big business and bad luck and booze and drugs.

Movie itself is well made, on low budget I would image and made with lots of love (I would imagine again). Maybe not enough talking heads, but then again this may even help it because in case of TAD talking is not necessarily because music is so fucking good. So instead of seeing usual suspects (Biafra, Rollins, Thurston etc) we get to see lots of live footage although sometimes barely watchable. But fuck it, those were times before ultra HD home video cameras shit.

Cool stuff, good story told in honest way about the band who didn't have a chance to cash it on grunge euphoria and "sounded like a nerdy, hipsters west coast version of Sonic Youth. Until you saw them live!"

8/10

The Image aka The Punishment of Anne (Radley Metzger, 1976)

This one caught me a bit by surprise which is always good. I came across it on some discussion boards and downloaded it just to see it out of curiously. Always interested into “cult” movies that nobody actually has seen.

So it starts predictable as typical French erotic/SM kinky drama with a bit more of women frontal nudity as usual. Which is great and I’m all for that! Especially when made in this stylish way that frogies are so good at. But then, halfway through the movie, came surprise in a form of blow job shot in very hard core porn style!? 

It’s basically more daring version of Story of O, one with the guts. It’s about love through submission and it’s similarly stylized but it goes further with explicit shots. Which are not exploitive at all and movie is certainly far from hard core pornography. Narration of story basically follows these little erotic episodes, but there’s still enough of characters development and various mind fucks (who in fact is slave and who’s a master?) to make it very intriguing. And of course very sexy – lead actress Rebecca Brooke is so fucking hot!

Good stuff, it leaves you uncomfortable and it stays in the back of your mind for some time. Probably too dark and depressing for general public but I liked it a lot.

8/10

Conan the Barbarian (Marcus Nispel, 2011)

According to IMDB Marcus Nispel started his career by doing video clips for Billy Joel, Janet Jackson, George Michael and likes. And his first feature film being that horrendous piece of shit remake of mighty Texas Chainsaw Massacre I didn't expect much from this. Was in fact even reluctant to check it out since Conan used to be my favorite comic book hero.

So I was surprised that it is actually watchable although far from being good. Cannot really define good parts, but bad ones are obvious:

1. It's too long. And one of the reasons for being too long is because it spends half an hour introducing the main character. We don't need this, we know who Conan is.
2. Story is too disjointed. It actually feels like watching some kid playing a video game and going through various levels. 
3. This Momoa guy just doesn't cut it for me as my favorite Cimmerian. But on the other hand I have no idea who would fill this role better.
4. It's too graphic. It's not of course that I don't like violence but that CGI blood is (once more) ridiculous.
5. It should be masculine movie but both of our leading ladies totally steal the show from their muscular co-stars colleagues. Rose McGowan is weird as usual and Rachel Nichols is cool too just by not being some whining damsel in distress. Btw - she was great in that little masterpiece P2.

And this is really all that I remember watching this. When I'm going to take my little nephew to see Conan it will be definitely Milius' one with Arnie.

5/10

Rogue (Greg Mclean, 2007)

Greg Mclean’s follow up to Wolf Creek. Somehow typical but still above average “nature against man” flick. The best thing about it is that it actually makes story about this giant and intelligent crocodile believable. This is in large part due to good pace and suspense building as viewer forgets to question the plausibility of the whole set-up. At least I did.

Also cool and surprising is Hitch’s “Psycho disposal of Janet Leigh” effect as our main heroine gets eaten (apparently) halfway through the movie. It’s not as spectacular and hilarious as Samuel L. Jackson’s demise in Deep Blue See or Seagal’s in Executive Decision but still cool. 

I think Rogue is as good as a horror monster movie can be these days. It’s technically flawless, cast is decent and special effects are convincing. Maybe killings should be a bit gorier?

7/10

Terminator Salvation (McG, 2009)

Just a pathetic and undeservingly bad end of franchise. Not much is left of sci-fi element; all we get here is average CGI action.

But most disappointingly for me was this typical American family shit “subtly” integrated into the story. There’s a little kid, handicapped (black) girl, pregnant wife and so on. 

For 200+ million spent it deserves lowest possible grade but I’m giving it 3 anyway – additional one for atom bomb actually going off (I don’t know why this shit is so rare to see) and another one for having Michael Ironside. Though I’m not sure why they gave him this job as he only appears couple of times.

3/10

Wolf Creek (Greg Mclean, 2005)

Wolf Creek is one of the movies that were praised by almost everyone but I have always managed to miss somehow. I don’t think it got theatrical release in Slovenia and I downloaded it few times but file was always somehow fucked (either synchronized or badly ripped or created by some obscure codec etc). So I didn’t hesitate for one moment when they were showing it on Film Four the other night.

It was worth waiting because it really is that good! It’s surprising how great horror flick can (still) be made without trying to do anything really new or radical and just using well known and established “tools of the trade”. Suspense, eerie atmosphere, creepy sound effects and music, few unsettling scenes (I guess torture porn became mandatory these days) together with good technical qualities all result in above average movie.

But what I liked the best is intelligent use of clichés to achieve some cool mind fucking. Good example is when our villain is lying unconscious and his victim is frantically trying to find car keys in his pockets. In 90% of the movies guy would wake up and in the rest 10% some other shit would happen (usually nasty and not pleasant at all for our heroine). But nothing here! Greg Mclean just uses this cliché to scare us shitless. Very smart and original!

Cool stuff, go see it!

8/10

The Drowning Pool (Stuart Rosenberg, 1975)

Second Harper movie and somehow I like it a bit more than the first one. Which is strange in a way because (a) I don’t usually go for crime stories that involve our hero personal shit and (b) don’t like crime stories that take place outside the big cities. They belong to urban jungles right?

Paul Newman is still overdoing his character a bit too comically for my taste, but Drowning Pool is much darker than its predecessor. It also deals with more sinister topics than “simple” greed and successfully manages to merge couple of fucked up family dramas into crime/mystery. Don’t get me wrong – it’s still as hard boiled as they come and body count reaches quite respectable number at the end!

Supporting cast is not such an all-star affair as in the first one but they somehow function together even better. Joanne Woodward is of course great but real mini-star here is Murray Hamilton who plays villain perfectly. He steals every scene he’s in even from the mighty Mr. Newman. 

Good stuff indeed. Probably mostly well-known for its ending climax escape scene but I liked it because of its dark moody noir atmosphere and well developed story that works on many levels. It feels very modern even today and – as Harper – doesn’t age at all.

8/10

Harper (Jack Smight, 1966)

Ross Macdonald is probably my second favorite crime author of the classical pulp era (first one - needless really to point out - being Chandler) and his Lew Archer the second coolest P.I. ever (after you know of course who being the first one). Apparently Paul Newman liked him a lot also and was happy to play the part under one condition – name Archer needed to be substituted with Harper because letter H was his lucky one (after filming The Hustler and Hud).

And he’s okay but I think he’s overdoing the part just a little bit. Yes, we know he’s supposed to be cynical but sometimes he’s acting like he’s being in comedy and not in a hard-boiled crime. I don't know, there are just too many of those facial grimaces. He is not at all bad and doesn’t damage the movie (like Frank Sinatra for example might) and especially his lines with witty dialogues and one-liners are delivered perfectly. But credits for that probably go more to its brilliant literary source.

Anyways, he’s okay but supporting cast is magnificent. Especially Lauren Bacall, Shelley Winters (once again!!!) and Janet Leigh. Bacall seems to be having really good time filming this and she plays her bitchy character to perfection. Real joy to watch, she was so cool!

Movie too is okay but has few faults. With almost two hours of running time it is for sure too long for mystery flick and story gets too convoluted. It doesn’t drag on and it never gets boring but both characters introductions and suspense building simply take too long. Seems like screenwriters tried too hard to stick to the book as much as possible when adapting it. Which was probably not needed since it was published in 1949 so they could afford a bit of tweaking it. I think it would be better to drop some character (like Harper’s wife and whole thing about divorce) or sub-plots altogether. Who knows…

Still a great movie and very enjoyable to see every few years or so, it doesn’t age at all! And last thing totally worth mentioning is hilarious poster – I simply must give Harper an extra star for it!

8/10